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2021 Mid-Season Update

I meant to add an update earlier this season, but it's tough to come back from how incredibly wrong I was in the season preview. At least I wasn't alone, Yahoo projected footbALL THE THINGS to finish dead last and only manage 3 wins. They doubled down on their fuckery by projecting the Trombones to run the table and go 14-0.

7 weeks in and it's been nothing short of a bloodbath as Dan' s squad has decimated their opponents, running away with a blistering 160 pts/game average ( a potential league record) and setting the single game record with 224.94 points in week 5 . I made fun of old man Brady and his rookie Pittsburgh RB, but the fucking joke's on me and everyone else with the unfortunate matchup with footbALL THE THINGS. After a close call in week 1, Dan's won each game by at least 19 points.

To put this bullshit in perspective, as of the midway point, footbALL THE THINGS has the #1 QB, the #1, #2, #4, AND #10 WRs. Not to even mention two top 12 RBs. It's fuckery of such an uprecedented level that it's beyond belief. Am I typing all this shit up in a feeble attempt to jinx Dan? Obviously, but then again this kind of run seems as improbable as a 44 year old QB dominating the league, so maybe there's no stopping this.

Money Leaders

footbALL THE THINGS: Weeks 5,6,7 ($225)

The Chap-Men: Weeks 2,3 ($150)

The Kardiac Kids: Week 1 ($75)

The Devastators: Week 4 ($75)

Every other fucking team..... $0

Congrats to all the teams that managed to snag a weekly prize against the insurmountable odds that Cooper Kupp, Jamarr Chase, and Tom Brady have down weeks. I guess this is the part where I say, there's still hope and everyone can win some money, but let's be real. We'll only manage to snag that weekly prize if Dan allows it.

Mid-Season Playoff Outlook

Courtside Division Projected Winner: The Chap-Men

Unless something really wild happens, this division looks like a two team race (sorry, Charles). The Chap-Men's streak of incredible consistency continues unabated for a 4th consecutive year, but The Mulpers only two games behind. It's weird to say, but The Mulper's Josh Allen sure looks like the better QB to have for the rest of the year over The Chap-Men's Mahomes.

Smiling Skull Division Projected Winner: The Devastators

In arguably the most competitive division, it feels kind of lame to pick the current division leader, but looking ahead it seems like Alex's squad can go the distance. The return of Jerry Jeudy and inevitable ascension of Javonte Williams should bring Alex to the promised land. That said the Kardiac Kids made a flurry of trades to reshape their roster and could go on a run, but it looks like Alex's division to lose at this point.

The Union Division Projected Winner: Touchback Mountain

I'll be honest, I really just wanted to pick a winner who wasn't already leading their division, but I kind of talked myself into it. Despite the fact the Tazzmaniacs have the most exciting QB in football would you believe that Jalen Hurts only has 11 less points than Kyler Murray? That shit blew my mind. The weirdness of that stat alone makes me believe Ben's gonna come from behind to take this one.

Tony's Division Projected Winner: footbALL THE THINGS

I'm not gonna waste a lot of time here. I still think Tom Brady's gonna break down, Cordarrelle Patterson will come back to earth, and Jamarr Chase will get another case of the yips. But I was way wrong before so fuck it. All hail King Dan.


And that's it there's your playoff outlook....but wait. What's that you say? There's still 2 other spots!

Wildcard, Bitches!

Keep in mind the last two Wild Card spots go to the teams with the most points scored REGARDLESS OF RECORD. This wrinkle is fucking clutch right now with more than half the league under .500.

Projected Wild Card Winners: The Mulpers & Tazzmaniacs

I'm not gonna waste your time with a bunch of analysis here, this is a total crapshoot and honestly if you've made it this far your real reward is that I didn't use yet another Squidgame image. Martig's squad has a decent shot to actually take their division. If they don't, I expect them to sneak in. It also seems like it'd be crazy if a team with Kyler and King Henry didn't make it in so if Marco's crew doesn't win that division, I'm sure they'll make the playoffs anyway. THAT SAID, there's still 7 weeks of football left and countless injuries, COVID results, and actual football left to be played so it really is anyone's ballgame. Best of luck out there, fellas!

2021 Season Preview!

Welcome back to yet another season of fantasy football with the greatest collection of crusty old-ish dudes ever assembled! If this is your first time hearing this, you are about to experience something so cold (sorry, been listening to too much "old Kanye"). The divions were randomly chosen, teams have been drafted, and the schedule is set (thanks, commish!). This year's sure to be less ridiculous than 2020, right? Wait, lemme check my notes...ah fuck, Covid's still here...but, at least there's a vaccine right? Oh shit, 7% of the NFL still isn't vaccinated because they're uh "waiting on the science", but surely that won't be a problem, right? Who the fuck knows?! In the never-ending paper chase, the NFL decided to add another regular season game so there's one extra week of chaos and one more chance to win $75!

Props to the internet gods for bringing our first seemingly issue free auction this year. Minus one child related pause, I call that an unmitigated success. 1/3 of the league drafted from Vegas this year in the luxurious Marquee suite at the MGM Grand, which came with a complimentary half-drunk bottle of cactus cooler. Post-auction the Vegas crew consulted with the Sportsbook to establish playoff-odds for the league, so this year these are super legit. Odds are the league winner's coming out of Vegas, so hope to see you all out there next year! Alright, that's enough of a preamble. I know you're all just here to read about who's going to win the league this year, so let's get down to it. This year's divisions consist of famous Athens bars...and I know not everyone was lucky enough to attend THE Ohio University, but that's your problem not mine. On to the season preview!

Courtside Division

Ah, what can I say about Courtside, officially known as Courtside Pizza? This was honestly the best picture I could find of the place. They had no signature drink and maybe the 3rd or 4th best pizza in Athens, but there were worse places to end up after a night of drinking at respectable bars. This division brings together 3 teams with 2 former champions, though only 1 from this decade!

The Chap-Men

Total Championships: 0Last Year's Finish: 2nd (for the 3rd straight year!)2021 Championship Odds: 7 to 1The 3x(!) league runner-up, The Chap-Men look to finally turn the corner this year by buy grabbing the most expensive QB in the auction...even though Mahomes was only the 3rd best QB in 2020. It's hard to criticize a team that's managed to reach the 'ship 3 years in a row though. Maybe this is the year!


The Grumpy Touchers

Total Championships: 1 (2019)Last Year's Finish: 10th2021 Championship Odds: 10 to 1The Touchers followed up their championship campaign with a forgettable 3 win season in 2020, but will look to turn things around this year. Charles invested heavily in Aaron Jones, CEH, and DeAndre Hopkins this year. He also grabbed Miles Sanders for the second straight year...but this time for $32 less than he paid in 2020.


The Mulpers

Total Championships: 1 (2007)Last Year's Finish: 9th2021 Championship Odds: 4 to 1The Mulpers got Saquoned in 2020, but did still manage to grab the league MVP for $2. Talk about a discount double check! (I'm sorry) This year Eric's counting on Zeke, Josh Allen, DK, and CeeDee to return The Mulpers to their former glory. Yahoo fucking loves this team and I guess I do too. Is this year The Mulpers tell the league to CeeDeez nutz? Again, I'm terribly sorry for this writeup.


Smiling Skull Division

The Smiling Skull is undoubtedly a townie bar, but the name was too good to leave out of the divisions. This is a bar you'd only go to if you were a bearded motorcyle driving appalachian...or a student looking for a 'real' bar to start your bar crawl/shuffle. This division also brings together 2 former champs...and Alex.

The Devastators

Total Championships: 0Last Year's Finish: 11th2021 Championship Odds: 6 to 1Alex's squad is looking to forget their 2020 season, which relied heavily on the Ravens passing game much to their detriment. This year The Devastators are all aboard the Gibson/Jefferson hype train, which surely can't fail, right? Honestly though, this team looks kinda stacked so what the fuck do I know? Dude's definitely got the sexiest TE in the game at least.


Kosar Mullets

Total Championships: 1 (2016)Last Year's Finish: 8th2021 Championship Odds: 9 to 1The Mullets "won" the CMC prize this year and it only cost them 38% of their auction budget. Colin bolstered his squad with a collection of players who are highly talented...but can barely stay on the field. Assuming everyone stays healthy this team's a juggernaut...but considering his RB2's already looking iffy for week 1, I'm hedging my bets on those championship odds. Still, the Mullets got CMC. So scrappy!

The Kardiac Kids

Total Championships: 1 (2018)Last Year's Finish: 5th2021 Championship Odds: 13 to 1The Kids sent a proxy to this year's auction so basically if this team sucks, it's not Sean's fault. Or maybe it'll be Joe Mixon's fault when he inevitably gets hurt in week 4. The Kids are gonna look to their WRs and Waller to carry them to the 'Ship this year...along with Matt Stafford. He hasn't thrown more than 30 TDs in 6 years, but he's definitely gonna be good this year. Definitely!

The Union Division

This division's aptly named for a bar that burned down a few years ago. That said, the Union is kinda the heart and soul of Athens. The home of Dance or Die and many questionable late night decisions, this seems like a fitting name for this motley crew of managers. Between the three there's only 1 former league winner, but the other two guys have only been in the league for a combined two years.

Touchback Mountain

Total Championships: 0Last Year's Finish: 4th2021 Championship Odds: 8 to 1Ben's mountain boyz are coming off another strong showing in 2020 and look to grab the trophy by investing HEAVILY in former league winner's Tyreek & Taylor. They're also counting on Baker to make the leap and Gus Edwards to turn into a legit RB, both totally reasonable and rational assumptions. Totally reasonable and rational.


Post Freak Jam Era

Total Championships: 1 (2012)Last Year's Finish: 3rd2021 Championship Odds: 6 to 1PFJE has finished in the top 3 twice in the past 3 years and scored the 2nd most points in 2020. That seems pretty good! For 2021 Joe's all in on the Saquon/Chubb/Diggs trio which also seems pretty pretty good. Joe also won $20 on the Wizard of Oz slots in Vegas and narrowly missed a drive-by egging on the strip, so maybe the run of good luck will continue! [ominous narrator voice] Unfortunately for Joe, it won't.

The Tazzmaniacs

Total Championships: 0Last Year's Finish: DNQ2021 Championship Odds: None ListedFirst year in the league and he couldn't even make the auction. Not to worry, his proxy dropped $71 on a RB that doesn't catch passes in a PPR league. In all seriousness though, Marco's squad did manage to grab a bunch a value though and if they flame out, you can always blame the proxy. Welcome to the show!

Tony's Division

The division named for the greatest bar in Athens and home of the Hot Nuts, brings together the most total championships (4!) and last year's league winner. Also, Dan, who is just a really great guy. According to the draft day projections this division also projects the last place finisher and an unprecedented undefeated season. Yahoo's so good at projecting this stuff!

Rusty Trombones

Total Championships: 3 (2010,2011,2014)Last Year's Finish: 6th2021 Championship Odds: 3 to 2The league's most decorated team dropped most of their auction budget on Kelce/Kamara who basically swung the league last year and went back to Dak despite his wonky ankle/shoulder. Yahoo fucking looooves this team and projects him to run the table and produce the first undefeated team in league history. There's no better insult than a silly Yahoo projection...so just go ahead and crown the Trombones!

Miracle Whips

Total Championships: 1 (2020)Last Year's Finish: FUCKING CHAMPS2021 Championship Odds: 100 to 1Only one team has won back to back championships and that was exactly 10 years ago. The Whips went heavy on the Bears offense this year, which is a sure-fire strategy that is guaranteed not to blow up in their face. It's just science. No matter how it turns out they can always take comfort in winning the league in the only year that the buy-in was reduced by 50%. Either way, they're still the champs for another 17 weeks. Bear down, bitches.

footbALL THE THINGS

Total Championships: 0Last Year's Finish: 7th2021 Championship Odds: 12 to 1In the mirror image to the Trombones, Yahoo projects footbALL THE THINGS to finish dead last. Maybe they're basing that on the fact that Dan's RB1 is a rookie on a team with a shit o-line and a washed QB? Then again Yahoo says the Trombones will go undefeated so obviously those pojections are for shit. Fun fact: Dan's QBs are a combined 83 years old!