Phi Slamma Jamma Fantasy Football
2022 Playoffs Preview!
I thought I could safely post this on Saturday because the Thursday night games didn't matter, but Colin had to go and mess that up...and now I'm realizing there's football games happening right now! But be honest would you expect any better from a guy who went 7-7 in his only two leagues this year? But you're not hear to listen to me kvetch about my own personal mediocrity, you're here to...jesus why are you here? Why are any of us even here? Oh right! The playoffs!
As our trusty commish mentioned the final week of the season led to a wild finish where the underdog Grumpy Touchers managed to sneak into the playoffs by a mere 1.38 points, sorry Joe! Shoutout to Alex for being this year's token overacheiver posting a respectable 14 points a week over the league average. His trust in McCaffery paid off this year when finally managed to escape from the fantasy cesspool that is Carolina. Also, can we talk about how fucked the TE position is? Consistent-ass Travis Kelce is 90 points ahead of the #2 TE, while the distance between 2-3 is only 2.2 points. Shit is wild. Anyway, on to the preview!
Who's Gonna Win This Thing?!
Front Runners
The Devastators
Playoff Seed: 1Record: 8-6Pts/Game: 127.65Turns out punting on QB and grabbing the indisputed #1TE and getting a little lucky with CMC was the way to go. The Devastors were pretty consistent this year with only two games <100 points this year....but one of those games came in the last week of the season. I wanna see the Devastators complete the dream run, but I don't think this is the year :(
Projected Finish: 4th
Rusty Trombones
Playoff Seed: 4Record: 7-7Pts/Game: 123.99I feel like the Trombones playoff run is mostly my fault for handing James the Burrow/Chase connect, but fear not it'll likely end in tragedy. Despite earning the 2nd most points this year, the Trombones only managed the 4 seed. My head tells me this team could win, but my heart knows better.
Projected Finish: 2nd
The Kardiac Kids
Playoff Seed: 2Record: 8-6Pts/Game: 115.90Saquon and Conner bucked the trend by mostly staying healthy all year and somehow this is the team taking advantage of Justin Fields' ascendance. Props to Bartemes for taking some swings that paid off this year. That said, this isn't the Kids' year either, for basically no logical reason other than I already decided who would win....but tbh it could be this team.
Projected Finish: 3rd
Wild Cards
The Mulpers
Playoff Seed: 3Record: 8-6Pts/Game: 115.80The benefit of procrastinating to actually write this thing is that I now know JT isn't going to be a factor in round 1...which makes this "preview" pretty easy. Then again, Martig should be proud of making the playoffs when the vast majority of his auction budget went to the RB 22. That's something!
Projected Finish: 5th
Kosar Mullets
Playoff Seed: 5Record: 7-7Pts/Game: 114.07When this season started I joked that The Devastators would see Kirk Cousins leading them to the playoffs...instead it's the Mullets with Kirk watching the QB they drafted lead the Devastators deep into the playoffs. Kirk's gonna Kirk and the Mullets are getting bounced in the 1st round :( Projected Finish: 6th
The Grumpy Touchers
Playoff Seed: 6Record: 8-6Pts/Game: 112.05I can't believe the Touchers made the playoffs. I can't believe I handed them Devonta Smith. What I can believe is that Charles' squad is going to shock the world and ultimately win this thing, because why the fuck not? GO AHEAD AND CROWN THEM.
Projected Finish: 1st!
Consolation Bracket!!!!
Just kidding! You're out of your god damned minds if you think this 7-7 loser is gonna break down the consolation bracket. The Miracle Whips are claiming that illustrious honor and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
What I will say in this section is huge thanks to all of y'all for a great season. It was super competitive and regularly surprising. Hard to muster a lot of enthusiasm for a year I couldn't break .500, but it was still blast. Extra special shout out to Martig for handling all the money and Cartwright for being our fearless leader. Hope everyone has an awesome holiday season/happy new years/all that jazz and best of luck to y'all!
2022 Season Preview!
Well, we fucking did it, boys. Another year full of existential dread and general ennui has once again led us all back to the siren call of the PSJ Fantasy Football League, which is amazingly in its 17th season! I'm as shocked as you are. Speaking of shocking, aside from some timing issues, this year's auction went off without a single technical hitch. That's real progress! I'd be remiss if I didn't give a shout out Dan Vislocky for managing footbALL THE THINGS to his first championship last year. Along the way he set the record for most points in a season....in the first year that we had a 14 game regular season. No I'm not I'm salty about losing that record. Why would you ask me that? Anyway, hopefully we all learned from Dan's success and chose to replicate his winning strategy that merely involved drafting the #2 QB, two top 3 WRs, two top 10 RBs, and the #1 TE. It's really just that simple.
But that's all old news now, it's 2022 and for the moment you're all undefeated. Congrats! As a reminder we collapsed the divisions from 4 to 3 this year. Playoffs still work the same way with 3 division winners guaranteed spots and the remaining 3 spots going to wild card teams based on points alone. It was Dan's honor this year and he chose to go with the primary communication method of our times, MEMES of course! And before anyone feels any kind of way about the division you're in, Dan assured me they weren't chosen for any particular reason. As a great poet once said, "Ask not for whom the meme is assigned. It is assigned for thee". And now that I've crammed in the required John Donne reference, on to the season preview!
Triggered Division
Ah, the triggered meme. Much like the teams in this division, it's often used as a tool for the MAGA set to highlight the absurdity of the left. If it bothers you that you're in this division, you're likely in the right place.
The Tazzmaniacs
Total Championships: 0Last Year's Finish: 2nd(!)2022 Championship Odds: 4 to 1Hard to argue with finishing second in his inaugural season. Despite the fact that a computer handled Marco's first 4 selections the Tazzmaniacs came out with a solid lineup. According to Yahoo's draft day projections this is the 2nd lowest scoring team, but Yahoo's really fucking stupid.
Kosar Mullets
Total Championships: 1 (2016)Last Year's Finish: 12th2022 Championship Odds: 13 to 1The Mullets appear to be all in on the Cowboys this year walking away with CeeDee, Zeke, and Dak. Honestly that's probably a good strategy, but I really hate Dallas. Maybe I'm just biased against teams run by nearly octogenarian wanabe oil barons. Hopefully this isn't the year Zeke finally concedes RB1 duties to Pollard!
Rusty Trombones
Total Championships: 3 (2010,2011,2014)Last Year's Finish: 7th2022 Championship Odds: 20 to 1Them Trombones had pretty conservative auction this year choosing not to chase anyone over $49...which netted him a core 3 of Mixon, Davante, and Aaron Jones. A veritable murderer's row of dice rolls. Yahoo ate that shit up, projecting the Trombones to finish 2nd. Which is a downgrade from last year when they said this squad would finish 1st. Again, Yahoo's really fucking stupid.
The Kardiac Kids
Total Championships: 1 (2018)Last Year's Finish: 8th2022 Championship Odds: 9 to 1The Kids took some big swings this year leaning into Saquon, Fornette, and Conner at the RB spot. They also took the zero QB approach choosing to draft $1 priced Trevor Lawrence and Trey Lance. If I was a betting man, I'd put easy money on at least both of those strategies failing miserably. Maybe this is the year none of those RBs get injured though!
Salt Bae Division
Fun fact, in our least decorated division these teams left a combined $44 on the table at the end of the auction. Either they all know something we don't or... well honestly I have no clue. But hey, no matter what you can all feel good knowing the champ is in this division...until one of y'all loses in the finals by 2.
footbALL THE THINGS
Total Championships: 1 (2021)Last Year's Finish: THE CHAMP2022 Championship Odds: 99 to 1Last year I dogged on Dan's team in the preview and unsurprisingly was proven dead wrong. This year I've got statistics on my side though! Only 1 team has won back to back championships and that was over a decade ago. I'd love to say that Dan's gonna do it again, but history and the $21 Dan left at the auction say otherwise. Enjoy the victory lap though, you've earned it!
The Devastators
Total Championships: 0Last Year's Finish: 6th2022 Championship Odds: 10 to 1Alex seemingly went with a stars/scrubs strategy in this year's auction landing CMC/Kelce/Diggs in his top 3 spots. After that it's mostly a dumpster fire of shattered hopes and dreams. He also went the $1 route at QB landing the newly 45 year old GOAT. Last year I was dead wrong on dogging Dan for drafting such an old QB...but I'm doubling down and sincerely doubt Tommy lasts through week 4. Can't wait to watch Kirk Cousins lead this team to the promised land!
The Chap-Men
Total Championships: 0Last Year's Finish: 5th2022 Championship Odds: 15 to 1For the first time in 4 years, James' squad managed to avoid runner up status, by wisely losing their 1st round playoff game. In a sign that James is either a genius or a lunatic, he walked away from the auction with $22 unspent. None of their RBs or WRs are projected to finish in the top 15 at their position, but uhh probably felt pretty satisfying to save that $22!
Touchback Mountain
Total Championships: 0Last Year's Finish: 4th (second consecutive year!)2022 Championship Odds: 3 to 1Since joining the league, Ben's consistently fielded good (not great) teams. Yahoo loooves this team and projected them to finish first....and I kinda don't hate that. The only data point I'm using to support these odds are that Ben was the only team not to get stuck with a single $1 player. Objectively a better drafter than the rest of us!
Crying Jordan Division
This division couldn't have worked out better. It's the only division where every team has won it all once, but it's also a division where only 1 team managed to make the playoffs last year. At least with the new division setup, the odds say at least two of us are likely to snag a playoff spot. Congrats fellas, some of us are gonna turn this shit around maybe!
The Mulpers
Total Championships: 1 (2007)Last Year's Finish: 3rd2022 Championship Odds: 3 to 1The Mulpers went allll in on JT this year grabbing the auction's most expensive prize at $74. I'd love to follow this fact up with some snarky comment about the rest of the squad, but it's honestly pretty damn solid. That said, time will tell if that $26 on the all-hype Etienne will pay off, but I honestly don't think it matters. I think this is the year the Muplers return to glory. Which is probably a great sign that they won't!
Miracle Whips
Total Championships: 1 (2020)Last Year's Finish: 11th2022 Championship Odds: 20 to 1It felt unfair to write my own preview so I asked my wife if she'd do it and she told me to "kindly fuck off." So fine, I honestly like my team a lot, but I'm biased and finished 11th last year. That said, I'm proud of myself for resisting the urge to grab Bears this year. That's real growth! No matter how it turns out at least I'll have that. Hopefully that'll sustain me when Ekeler turns to glass and Herbert returns to earth.
The Grumpy Touchers
Total Championships: 1 (2019)Last Year's Finish: 9th2022 Championship Odds: 4 to 1In true Touchers fashion I have no idea what to make of this team. They've got 2 WRs playing on new teams and that always works out. On the positive side, Yahoo said they'll finish 12th, which is also what they said about Dan's squad last year. This seems like a sure-fire recipe to winning it all. So I'll refer to immortal words of Dennis Green, "If you want to crown them, go ahead crown their ass!"
Post Freak Jam Era
Total Championships: 1 (2012)Last Year's Finish: 8th2022 Championship Odds: 7 to 1Shout out to Joe for brining the league fresh logos every year. This year's an all-timer. I'd love to transition into me shitting on Joe's team...but honestly I can't. Lotta quality on that roster except maybe the TE spot, but surely that can't matter. Aside from the fact the last two champs had the #1 TE. Maybe this is Albert Okwuegbunam's year!